Posts tagged: rant
Sorry I have been awol the last few days working, with one of my coworkers away ill I’ve had to fill in the gaps. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. I’m not used to working this much especially now that I’ve started medication!
I have had a hard time with the “guy unavailable” as well. I reached out to him and to one of my best friends last week and was unfortunately greeted with words I didn’t want to hear. Said guy, told me that I wasn’t giving him enough space, but also that I had “spoiled” us hanging out as friends. Why? Because I actually told him my feelings and was honest with him. I told him what it felt like for me. I told him I couldn’t easily separate sex from attachment.
I tried to think about the best way I could write about it and explain it to him, which ended up being a 6-7 paragraph rant. I apologized to him for putting him ‘through’ it. I stopped myself afterwards realizing that I didn’t really need to apologize if I didn’t do anything wrong. Caring isn’t wrong. Giving a crap isn’t wrong. Maybe caring too much, yes that’s wrong.
The last message I received from him was “Just give me some time :) We’ll talk later alrite. Ciao.” Which somehow made me feel better, just cause of that stupid emoticon smiley face insertion. Why the hell is that?
*more to come*
All my friends know how my battles usually run. They usually start with an M and end with a OM. I live with my mom, and I get to deal with her “crazy” (as my friends call it) way more often than I should.
I will probably end up ranting a lot about my relationship with her because it’s complex and interesting.
But to tie-in to my post on my friend’s 3 daily questions to answer, I thought I’d add this:
4) One thing that surprised you
Mom offered to, and followed through with, making me breakfast!
This is unusual for her. But I thoroughly enjoyed the thought.
So I meet this guy, I sleep with him cause I think the sexual chemistry is through the ceiling, and when I try to pursue it, I find out that he doesn’t want a relationship. Are we following? I sure hope you are.
I’ve given him time to kinda breathe between the few times we have hooked up (the two first times were guilt free, the third time I did a little bit of guilting and it became awkward). So no more hooking up cause I’ve realized that I am not emotionally capable of handling only physical relationships.
I recently have messaged him a lot, cause quite frankly I want the attention. I want him to actually try in this quasi-friendship we’re trying to build. He doesn’t understand that at this point, you can’t just randomly get in touch with me. At this point, I need to believe that you actually want to see me as a friend because I won’t believe you. I will believe that you pity me and are saying that as a ruse to get away with having slept with me in the first place.
Apparently I make guys awkward by liking them. Who’s the elephant in the room? Oh yes… I wear my feelings on my sleeve but apparently I also carry a significant amount of repulsion in my blood that makes men fear me and run in the other direction. Even my guy friends tread lightly. I’m not joking. I was told by one of my girlfriends awhile back that the guys in our group of friends likely are aware that I have issues and are careful to not askew anything for fear of my wrath.
I guess I can get pretty emotional but I’d like to think that as much it can be a hindrance it can also be a huge positive at the same time. When I love, I love deep. My passion is always my issue. Well that and my impulsiveness, but that’s another story, for another time.
I always wanted someone normal because I felt like their normalcy could somehow equate or balance my crazy, and in theory calm me down. Through talking to my friends and meeting GU I have learned that that is not the case. I need a little bit of fucked up as much as I thought I needed that little bit of Banana Republic man. Who wouldn’t want to be idealistic there though, we want the best for ourselves, at least, we should.
Continued from the last post:
First of all, anything and everything I surf online will immediately bring me to things that remind me of said person. I will be inspired and insistent on sending these things to said person. Said person will be like WHOA MAMA. Especially if the person you’re talking to is not the most avid of communicators to begin with, a little bit of warm me action is a bit too much for them to handle.
I’m intense and hardcore for a lot of people. When I like you, you definitely know it. But you know what, it always ends up being awkward. Always. That’s the argument I get from pretty much every guy I’ve ever liked, ever, in time, all the time. Guys can’t deal with it. They can’t accept flattery of someone liking them, or an impassioned response.
Let’s call this person Guy Unavailable, so GU for acronym sake, so it’s sort of funny when I read it back to myself. So GU (like baby, goo goo, get it? hah, okay back to the story…) doesn’t like to respond much to messages. I become aggravated and anxious because I feel like were I not to message him, I would never hear from him again.
Here’s the catch: I want to hear from him because we’ve slept together. Aha, see it gets complicated. As everyone says, SEX complicates everything. And boy are they right, for even us in denial cannot ignore that when it comes to be. Why is that my friends can have meaningful relationships emerge from nowhere and when I try to have a relationship all I can manage is to get a guy to sleep with me?
The communication from GU is more valuable to me because I want to feel as if I’m not being rejected based on my personality. He has told me that he just wants to be friends, that he doesn’t want a relationship. He has failed to tell me why. I’ve asked. Maybe I shouldn’t have. He knows that I have ‘issues’ and he himself too, is of he same cloth as they say. He should get it right?
In my 20some odd years I’d never think that attaining such a thing as a normal relationship with a man who wasn’t at least SORT of gay (even those who are) would be such a challenge in my life. It’s like all communication fades into ranting and rambling and babbling and any other synonym you can find for basically saying “talking out of your ass”. I don’t know why men make me nervous, oh wait, maybe I do…
So since the time I was wee little, I have had an aversion to people leaving me and also to men leaving me in particular. Yep, you got it. Daddy issues. I wish it wasn’t so stigmatized, cause really they are quite different situations. It just immediately classifies you as problematic as a person when you say that to someone.
“Oh what happened to your dad?” “So, you live with your parents (always plural)?”
I am not quite sure how to avoid the answer without it leading to further questions about my family life. I usually just say that I don’t speak to him.
Anyhow, in my negative mindset I usually blame him. I blame him for having turned me into this. But at the same time, I think we are better than our creators. I think that we can be more than what is set out for us by our parents, by anyone who raises us and teaches us those fundamentals of life.
See I do this thing when I worry - I over do things. I overcompensate because I think that my regular self isn’t quite enough of a sell. I also do it because if I don’t hear back from you, and you’re a guy, I immediately take it personally.
I don’t know why I take so much value from it, but I feel most judged by men, so their acceptance garners the most value for me. If I don’t hear back from a girl, or a guy friend I’ve known for awhile, I’m not terribly offended. I make the logical conclusions that I should be making all the time: Oh, they’re probably just busy. Oh, the phone is off. Oh, she’ll get back to me later. This all changes when it’s a man. Especially a man I have feelings for.
Here comes the crush…cue music.
